Three guys met up after a big night out and were comparing how drunk they were. The first guy says 'I was so drunk that when I got home I blew chunks!' The second guy says 'Well, when I got home I staggered to the door but couldn't get the key into the lock, so I slept on the verandah!' The third guy said 'I didn't even make it home. I passed out in the bar and had to wait till opening time this morning to get out!' There was silence for a moment and the first guy says 'You don't seem to understand. "Chunks" is the name of my dog.'(Hmmm, will this one be deleted????)
Anyone thats drunk needs one of these >>> The Beer ScooterHow many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter. The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion: The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?' Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries). An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?' With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time. Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences. For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS(Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins. The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night. PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.
So thats how I got home, all these years of not knowing, it was a complete mystery to me, i feel so much better now, i think i'll have a beer. bottoms up.
Perhaps Bacchus also attends to night-shift workers! Very scarey, getting out of the car in the car-port after a night-shift not being able to remember which way you came home (I have three alternative routes which get me to the same place.) I'm sure that if something serious happened on the way, I would have noticed it at the time. Cheers (Hic), Doug
