Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a shit."The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and shit."The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass." The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!"He left and came back with shit all over his hands and clothes.His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?" =================================================A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman. "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price." =================================================Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often, Bob takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Bob is an individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be classified as a high-caliber employee, the type that cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be executed as soon as possible.Regards, Project LeaderKEEP READING...Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from the Project Leader:Sorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my assessment.Regards, Project Leader ================================================This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS.As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS."It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS."=================================================Here are some conversations that actually happened between help desk people and their customers.Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly." Tech Support: "What does it say?" Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk." Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?" Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours." Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button." Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it.Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?" Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer: "Ok." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."Customer: "Now what do I do?" Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?" Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'" Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name." Customer: "How do you spell that?"Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message." Tech Support: "Did you install the update?" Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?" =================================================A DINNER CONVERSATION GONE WRONG WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not- don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again." WIFE: "You would?" (With a hurtful look on her face) HUSBAND: (makes load groan) WIFE: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do." WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?" HUSBAND: "I guess so." WIFE: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" HUSBAND: "No, she's left handed." WIFE: ---silence-- HUSBAND" "Shit!"
A nuva 1 A recent scientific study found that the kind of male face a woman finds Attractive can be different depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and Masculine features.And if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man Doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors shoved deep into his temple and a cricket stump jammed up his arse.Further studies are expected.
Helpdesk Story - said to be true.... Customer to PC Co. helpdesk: "There's smoke coming out of my PCs power supply, can you do anything for me? HD operator: "No, you'll need a new PSU, about $80." Customer:"I don't believe you! You're just trying to sell me a new PSU! I've heard that there is a software fix for this problem, do you know anything about it?" (They argue the toss for a while then finally) HD operator (getting exasperated): "OK,OK,you're right! I forgot to mention that there's a DOS utility called NOSMOKE.COM. You need to edit your config.sys file to include the line DEVICE=NOSMOKE.COM and restart your PC. Can you do that?" Customer: "OK, yeah thanks, I'll forget you didn't tell me about this before trying to sell me a new PSU!" (several minutes pass) The same customer calls again. Customer:"It hasn't worked. There's still smoke coming out of the power supply!" HD op:"Hmmmm. OK. You may not have the right version for your PC. Ring Microsoft and ask them." Customer:"OK, thanks!" (several hours pass) The same customer calls yet again. Customer: "I need a new Power Supply!" HD operator, somewhat sarcastically: "Are you sure,now?" Customer: "Well, I contacted Microsoft for the version of NOSMOKE.COM for my PC, and when I told them the make and model of the Power supply, they told me that it was not supported by NOSMOKE.COM and that I'd have to buy a newer model!
