> > >A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her > > >9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the > > >bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. > > > > > >She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is > > >in there already. > > > > > >The little boy says, "Dark in here." > > >The man says, "Yes, it is." > > >Boy - "I have a baseball." > > >Man - "That's nice." > > >Boy - "Want to buy it?" > > >Man - "No, thanks." > > >Boy - "My dad's outside." > > >Man - "OK, how much?" > > >Boy - "$250" > > > > > >In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are > > >in the closet together. > > > > > >Boy - "Dark in here." > > >Man - "Yes, it is." > > >Boy - "I have a baseball glove." > > >The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" > > >Boy - "$750" > > >Man - "Fine." > > > > > >A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go > > > > >outside and have a game of catch." > > > > > >The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." > > >The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" > > >Boy -"$1,000" > > >The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like > > >that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take > > >you to church and make you confess." > > > > > >They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the > > >confession booth and he closes the door. > > > > > >The boy says, "Dark in here." > > >The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again". -------------> > > It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the > > zoo. > > >She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring > > >dress, sleeveless with straps. > > >As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front > > >of a very large gorilla, the gorilla gets a raging > > >hard on. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one > > >hand, grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. > > >He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. > > >The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that > > >his wife tease the poor fellow. The wife likes the > > >idea, so she puckers her lips,wiggles her bottom, and plays along. > > >Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited! He is now > > >sporting a 14" woody with a good 4 inches of girth > > >and he's making noises that would wake the dead. > > >Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. > > >She does, and Mr.Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. > > >Now try lifting your dress up to your highs....this > > >drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. > > >Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the arm, > > >rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with > > >the gorilla and says, > > > > > > "Now, tell HIM you have a fucking headache! --------------->Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas >from the East Coast: "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a >chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I >happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the >beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native >Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me >I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the >scorecards from the event: > >Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili > >JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. > >JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. > >FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint >from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's >the worst one. These Texans are crazy. > >Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili > >JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. > >JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. > >FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed >to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me >the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look >on my face. > >Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili > >JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. > >JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. > >FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have >been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer >before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the >front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer. > >Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic > >JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. > >JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other >mild foods, not much of a chili. > >FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste >it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing >behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, >just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac? > >Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover > >JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding >considerable kick. Very impressive. > > JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit >the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. > >FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no >longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. >The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me >brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly >on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses >me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those >rednecks. > >Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety > >JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and >peppers. > >JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. >Superb. > >FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric >flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the >chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she >must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe >my ass with a snow cone! > >Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili > >JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. > >JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili >peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge >Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing >uncontrollably. > >FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't >feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like >it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid >unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my >damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've >decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any >oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole >in my stomach. > >Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili > > JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not >too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. > >JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. >Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell >over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going >to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili? > >FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report) ----------A happy, little fly was buzzing around a barn one day, when she happened upon a large pile of fresh horse manure. Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pains she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out. She ate. And ate...and then .. she ate some more!!! Finally, she decided she'd had plenty.She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But alas...she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground. She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when, she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall. She'd found a solution!! She realised if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again. So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor! Dead Fly....The moral of this sad story? Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit. -----------------> And you thought your day was going bad...> HUMAN COFFIN! > A 63yr old widow was admitted to the hospital in Recife, Brazil, > suffering > abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20 inch long > skeleton > of a foetus which she conceived a decade earlier. > It had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her > body.> FEMALE SOFA! > A 500lb woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the > examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was > found > under one of her breasts and a remote control was found lodged between > the > folds of her vulva.> PRICKLY PAIR! > In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He > complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..." and it bit him > during sex. After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she > had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.> PING PONG ANYONE? > A 20yr old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said > that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, then his > boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel. > The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general > anaesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed > along with a ping pong ball.> BLIND DRUNK! > A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while > trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out > halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a > suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and > discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had > been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.> OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH! > A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody > restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his waist and the woman > had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in > the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the > man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.
More... > > > > A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on > the > > > side > > > > of the road. > > > > > > > > They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up and brings it into the car. > > > > > > > > She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold What should I do?" > > > > > > > > Her husband replies, > > > > > > > > "Put it between your legs to keep it warm." > > > > > > > > She asks, "What about the smell?" > > > > > > > > He says,"Hold its nose." > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > One morning while she was making breakfast, the local fitness freak > > walked > > > > up to his wife, pinched her on the bum and said "You know dear if you > > > firmed > > > > this up we could get rid of your girdles." > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > This was a bit over the limit, but she controlled herself and replied > > with > > > > silence. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast. "You > know > > > > love if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bras." > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > That was too far over the limit. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > She rolled over and grabbed him by the d**k. Maintaining a vice grip > she > > > > whispered in is ear, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get > > rid > > > > of the postman and the gardener." > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. > > > > > > > > Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. > > > > > > > > Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. > > > > > > > > "Olympic condoms?", she blurts, > > > > > > > > "What makes them so special?" > > > > > > > > "There are three colours", he replies, > > > > > > > > "Gold, Silver and Bronze." > > > > > > > > "What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily. > > > > > > > > "Gold of course", says the man proudly. > > > > > > > > The wife responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you > > > came > > > > second for a change!". > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. > > > > > > > > He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. > > > > > > > > He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; > > mind > > > if > > > > I ask how you got yours?" > > > > > > > > The other guy says, "Well, it just happened it was a tongue twister > > > > accident". > > > > > > > > "See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the > most > > > > massive breasts in the world was there","So, instead of saying, I'd > like > > > two > > > > tickets to Pttsburgh", I accidentally said "I'd like two tickets to > > > > Tittsburgh" so she socked me a good one. > > > > > > > > The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable". > > > > > > > > "Mine was a tongue twister too". > > > > > > > > "I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my > > > wife", > > > > "Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey." "But I accidentally said," > > > "You > > > > ruined my life you evil fat slag." > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > An Englishman, an Aussie and a South African are in a bar one night, > > > having > > > > a beer. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in > > the > > > > air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says "In Sath > > > Efrika > > > > our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one > > > > twice." > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > The Aussie, obviously impressed by this , drinks his beer, throws his > > > glass > > > > into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and > says, > > > > "Well mate, in 'Straaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses > > that > > > > we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either." > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, > > > throws > > > > his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the South African > and > > > the > > > > Australian and then says, "In London we have so many ****ing South > > > Africans > > > > and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice". > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the > same > > > > sleeping carriage of a train. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the > > > woman > > > > on the top bunk, the man on the lower. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry > to > > > > bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could > > possibly > > > > pass me another blanket." > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a > better > > > > idea.....let's pretend we're married." > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > "Why not?" giggles the woman. > > > > > > > > "Good", he replies. > > > > > > > > "Get your own f***ing blanket." > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around > with > > a > > > > fly swatter. > > > > > > > > "What are you doing?" She asked. > > > > > > > > "Hunting Flies" He responded. > > > > > > > > "Oh!, Killing any?" She asked. > > > > > > > > "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied. > > > > > > > > Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" > > > > > > > > "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone". > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > A blonde was driving down the motorway when her mobile phone rang. > > > > > > > > It was her husband, urgently warning her: "Honey, I just heard on the > > news > > > > that there's a car going the wrong way on the M25. Please be careful!" > > > > > > > > "It's not just one car!" said the blonde, "There f****ing hundreds of > > > them!! Sorry couldn't be bothered getting rid of the >>
